Sunday, September 23, 2007

Finally ...I cried last night.

I don't usually give myself a chance to reminisce about the past.

Last night I had a good conversation…with a really good friend who has been through a lot. Something that I could say about myself too, but I rarely admit it. Last night, was very therapeutic. While I was well, bitching to my friend about a few shallow incidents that really don’t matter I realized some really important feelings that I have and kind of hide or brush off quite often.

I need stability. I’ve been through a lot, and anyone who has known me more than 10 years has a clue, still probably not the whole story, but man. I am 26 right now, a mother, in a stable job and there has been so much in my life that has put this kind of situation on a fantasy level that I don’t even let myself think about it. I don’t talk about it, I don’t even acknowledge it on so many levels. I have been on 100% straight up survival mode for so long, and more than anything, I want to be in a building, a growing stage, I am so tired of being in survival mode.

After I got off of the phone with RS last night…I sat and I was going through photos, see, I bought these plastic magnet picture holders so I could put up photos for Kenzie on the refrigerator and I was just looking for the basics, my mom, dad, her dad, friends etc. and in the box I found…I just saw so so much. I saw my freshman class, the class that saw me in a way nobody else did. I saw myself in that apartment in tribeca that I shared with about 12 people, photos of projects that….projects that we so so hard to finish, and I will never forget them for the rest of my life. It made me think of the times that I survived, the hell and triumphs that I have experienced that nobody understands and I cried. I cried hard. I have to say I was more grateful for the movie “Happy Feet” than I ever thought I would be for any movie ever.

I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for SO so long, that I haven’t had a chance to grow, to acknowledge the pain and trials I have gone through. I am finally able to sit and feel, feel that pain, and let it out so that I can move on, it is time for me to grow now, I will grow, I will experience more life, and more places, I won’t stop. I will acknowledge and love my past, because that is what made me who I am today, and who I will grow to be.

I cried because I am happy. I am moving on from 'survival' mode to growth. Today I bought a Sketchbook for Kenzie, and the plan is that we are going to draw in it every single day. Tracing her hand, tracing my hand…and I feel confident that it will tell a beautiful beautiful story. Better than any I’ve ever told before. I feel like I can spend more time focusing on and creating memories with her than ever. We live by a beach, she loves the water, I love the water, seasons are changing, there are more stories to tell than ever before.

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