Thursday, April 30, 2009

Complicated Life Decisions...

There is so much going on in life right now, it's pretty crazy. I feel like I'm working about 3 jobs, but also looking for more work so I can get paid!

Things that might be happening soon, involve pulling Kenzie out of daycare, this is a big one. Currently she is attending a full time childcare/preschool that she does like, she has friends, though like many kids insists she doesn't want to go when it comes time to leave in the morning. Reason behind this possibility is that our money is just about run out...and future sources are either slow to come or questionable. For instance right now we are both on unemployment which is getting more and more complicated to stay on top of (it is a job in itself)...also I'm getting started still with Arbonne which I totally see promise in though it is kind of slow building and takes some time to get to be really profitable. We're both looking for other odd jobs, I'll be getting familiar with WordPress soon and doing sites again pretty soon for instance. COBRA has also been getting increasingly complicated, I've been on the phone with Paychex just about daily to make sure all family members are included, Hazel's added, service gets started, subsidy gets applied, raises are truly raises in fees etc. Makes me dizzy just thinking about it.

Ironically, I feel like if I could stop worrying about the unemployment and the COBRA I could make Arbonne work, instead of phone calls, research, internet time I could be out with the girls, meeting moms, and pushing the quality and opportunity onto the lovely women I'd be meeting at all the parks and kids activities we'd be going to every day.

Oh, and Hazel is 2 weeks old now...she's wonderful.

Most of the 'difficulty' I've been experiencing motherhood-wise is a massive dose of guilt, (makes my eyes water up just writing the word), all my other feelings are financially based and stem from fear and frustrations with the current financial situation.

I feel guilty and bad that Kenzie has been in daycare this long...that I had to put her in when she was one because I decided to go work in an office and work my way out of needing any kind of public assistance. Now it's been 2 years later, and what am I doing? Collecting unemployment and tomorrow I have an appointment with DSHS to see what other kinds of 'assistance' we qualify for. Of course I learned things at work, Kenzie and I have both had a lot of experiences over the last two years. But I can't help but feel like I'm pretty close to where I was when I first brought my little 1 year old to her first daycare so I could make things better.

At least we aren't alone now.

I see that she is growing up and so close to going to school and I feel like I missed so much time with her it just breaks my heart. I feel sorry for her because though I love all of who she is, her father is a dead-beat who is not a part of her life, which is good because I do not think he would be a good influence but she is still left with a dad who she knows exists though does not participate in her life. Then she gets a wonderful step-dad, which is great, except that now he has his own daughter and I am scared she will be hurt when she sees this wonderful pure fatherly worshipping the princess kind of love and realizes that she never got any of that as a little girl. Yes she had the same man in her life for the last 2 years almost, and he's wonderful but she is still adjusting to 'sharing' mommy with him and it isn't the same kind of relationship because she knows that her 'birth dad' as we're calling him these days is not in the picture whereas her new sister has all that she never had. Now she's going to be sharing the new 'home daddy' in her life with someone who is actually created by him.

Even before the financial mayhem that has broken lose I've been considering pulling her out of daycare. I want to spend more time with her, to make her a higher priority in my life and give her some memories and beautiful pictures of this time before her school years started.

She's my baby too.

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