Lesson 0527

All's pretty well, I feel like I'm out of the mud most of the way and am in the process of wiping it off of me before the final rinse.

I get angry at people sometimes because I don't take care of myself I realized. It is an interesting thing to realize. A crystal clear example would be related to the days/weeks after Hazel was born. Other people were going through trials at the same time, which I interpreted as less attention/concern for me. Reality is that it was completely irrelevant, other people have their own trials! The real guilty party was myself. If I needed more support and to relax more (which I did) I should have asked for it instead of wasting time musing over promises I interpreted as broken.

I still haven't learned though. In fact, I think that since it took time to realize that, I've gotten worse. I'm not standing up for myself regarding the parties I'm throwing. Nobody is doing a thing to me, yet I'm suffering. Events are going too late at night, I want to be with my girls and likewise they want to be with me. I say it is getting worse because it is not just me suffering, it is them too. Tonight was a perfect example of a catastrophe caused by my decision to keep my parties late so as to fit someone else's schedule (which was my choice). I did follow through with one lesson, which was to ask for help when it is needed, that was a success and I did get support where I asked for it, and Kenzie had a place to go while I had a party. However, the party went late, as they tend to do, and so by the time I went to get Kenzie she was EXTREMELY tired. Remember this girl got up around 6am this morning (again, because I didn't stand up for her right to sleep), and she was still up late because I had made plans which interupted sleep whereas I could have requested a sleep over, or not had a party so late. So back to what happened, she's tired, and when you have a tired 3 year old...rationale is completely irrelevent. I was carrying baby Hazel, and trying to explain to Kenzie, why she had to climb onto my back so we could walk home. I gave her the option of walking too, she didn't care what I was saying, she was holding a beautiful big pink balloon that didn't belong to her and was screaming loudly that she wanted and intended to keep it. I explained that we can't take things that belong to our friends. I explained that if we do take things from our friends we won't be welcome at their house anymore. I gave her the serious mom look that brings her to tears and said "Let go NOW.". Finally I physically pulled the balloon out of her hands (not difficult, it was just a short string), might have burned a little bit. Then I insisted (begged/demanded) that it was time to go NOW and that Hazel needed to sleep (bad move, tried using the guilt trip method...didn't work). I told her that I would carry her on my back. She said she wanted me to carry her on my front (I had Hazel in a carrier). I explained that someday we could put Hazel on my back when she is bigger and then I can carry K in front/H in back but tonight was not the time. She went back to screaming. Turned out that the screaming was over a little postcard for some kind of car show that the kids stumbled across...a good 20 minute bad tantrum...all about a postcard. Because I let the party go late. I scheduled the party late. I know parties go late. I decided to have the party anyway. I suffered. She sufferred. Hazel, who eventually had tears of sympathy sufferred too.

I need to respect all of us more. I need to make sure our sleep needs are met. I need to be clear about my needs and requests, ensuring that they all meet all of the required needs. I need to stop causing disasters.

Long story short...parties happen when there is something for the kids to do and doesn't interrupt sleep.

I read my horoscope, tomorrow is supposed to be a really lucky day...I didn't make any sales tonight, but I think I will go ahead and make a ton of calls when Hazel is asleep and Kenzie is at school. I'm going to make sure I eat too though, so I don't get impatient with the girls when they want me off the phone. I'm also not going to drink too much caffeine for the same reason. I will also make sure I DO get my morning black tea, and zrii, AND some kind of food as opposed to todays half a breakfast sandwich, latte, smoothie, M&M's, half a string cheese, and half a yogurt along with an english muffin with peanut butter.

I'm going to write some things I accomplished as well, I mailed 3 things that were waiting, one was rushed because it is for health insurance and needs to be done pronto so as to avoid hassle. I got that done and handled Hazel smoothly. I spoke to another parent about setting up playdates which is something I've been meaning to do. I cleared out the bathroom and made it look very clean and organized which still surprises even me. Same thing (almost) with the living room. Only funny part of all that is that I have not been able to find anything since, lol, cleaning frenzies don't suit me & I'm okay with that. I'm very lucky that most nights that I have parties Geoff is home to be with the girls, and now that I have a pump he can even feed them both as well. What a relief, it's an accomplishment for me to admit a pump is a good thing and will help us all because I've resisted it.

Tomorrow's going to be a good day. I'm not angry with myself, though I can see how this post would look like it, I'm merely publically admitting I see fault in my behavior and stating my intention to improve it. It will happen, I'm on a journey of improving myself that has just started and I have a lot to get done, I'm not going to rush it though, nor will I waste any time.

Tax Day Surprise...Hazel's here!!!

Hazel was born on Wednesday night at 8lb 14oz & 22 inches long at 10:12pm...labor started at 1am...!!

It all started at about 1am...I'd gone to bed about 2-3 hours before and woke up feeling contractions that hurt, and were coming about every seven minutes...I waited about 20 minutes before waking up Geoff to tell him that I was pretty sure labor was starting. He scooted over and told me to lay down with him and we counted a few more contractions..they stayed about 6-7 minutes apart except whenever I got up to go to the bathroom, (which was after almost every contraction), I had to go to the bathroom, which always caused another contraction that came 'between' contractions if that makes any sense.

Around 2:52am we paged Midwife (Mel) to let her know what was going on...she was already at another delivery and said to call again when I couldn't talk through the contractions, we also paged the tub people who promptly came and set up a birthing tub in our living room which was a VERY cool thing to watch...it's like watching someone make a soft ball out of legos in that the pieces that came together to create something that looks like a hot tub looked NOTHING like a hot tub.

The details are a bit fuzzier after that, I walked around a lot through the house with contractions...our doula came over and eventually I was able to rest a bit from about 9-11:30 or so when Geoff and Kenzie went for a bike ride, for about 2 hours listening to one of Geoff's meditation CD's. Once I wasn't able to rest through them anymore we thought about taking a walk outside, but the pain was bad enough, and my reactions to it strong enough I changed my mind once I got dressed because I was convinced I'd scare people outside. Pretty soon after that I actually got into the tub, and we called Mel with an update and she let us know that Cindie was on her way.

Even more fuzzy now...(at some point I'll get the 'real' times from our wonderful doula Jenna) Mel was still at another birth and so Cindie came over to help with the birth I believe around 6pm. I was just starting what they call 'transition' at that point which is VERY painful, it lasted at least a couple hours...at one point Cindie checked and we knew that pushing time was about to start and we THOUGHT it would be fast considering Hazel is my second baby, we didn't know what we were in for though.

Pushing started at that point and it lasted a long long time, my mom showed up around 8:30-9pm and , after we were about 3-4 hours into it I got out of the tub, and got some 'positioning' assistance, and pushed Hazel out, it turned out that she had been what they call 'sunny-side-up' which is also called 'back labor' when they talk about the Mom's side of it. It means that the back of her head was against my tailbone, which makes it MUCH more difficult to get her head through the pelvic area. She definitely came out with a cone on her head, but she was pretty much rounded out by the time we woke up the next day. The quiet room soon was full of gasps, smiles and lots of stories. I just kind of laid there with Geoff and Hazel for a while...couldn't really do much more. Kenzie woke up pretty soon after this and got to meet her new little sister.

She latched on that night pretty quickly the first night and both of us are getting more and more alert each day, (we're on our second one now), I even left the house for a little while today to run a few errands with my mom while Hazel stayed with her daddy.

It's been amazing to watch how Geoff loves his role as father, saying the sweetest things to her, running off to go buy a cloth 'Moby Wrap' the day after she was born so he could wear her through the day, and also watching and listening to Kenzie learning about babies and being a big sister, so far her biggest complaint is that we won't let her carry Hazel around the house yet, or that Hazel isn't walking yet. I love my family, starting with Geoff and Kenzie and watching Hazel join the family and the beautiful changes I see in the both of them while watching Hazel get more aware is just amazing...I feel really really happy, lucky, and oh so grateful to have these three wonderful people in my life.

MS Walk 2009

The time has come once again to create a team for the MS Walk for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society!

I've had a team almost but not quite every year since being diagnosed, and this year I was pretty torn, because my due date is almost the exact same day as the walk!!

My original due date was 4/4/2009 and then the ultrasound said it was 4/1/2009. If you know me at ALL you know that I greatly prefer to tell people it is April Fools Day though officially it is still 4/4/2009 in the medical books...this will keep them from trying to induce me if Hazel hasn't come within 2 weeks of that date which I do appreciate!

Anyway, back to the walk. I decided that I should indeed still organize a team because I know so many wonderful people through all of the different groups that I am a part of, Hip Mama's, LLL, MS groups, Knitting groups, etc. that I know are interested in participating in this kind of event. It helps that in Seattle there has been a pretty big ad campaign letting the general public know that the Northwest has more than it's share of people who live with this Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. I've already been thanked for giving people a way to support people they know who have the diagnosis and I am really honored to be a part of that.

Plus, back to my personal life, I remember clearly that weekend I was in labor with Kenzie almost three and a half years ago when I walked (through contractions!!) up to 125th street from Mt. Sinai on 98th street and back which was for sure more than 4 miles. So I know that if I have NOT had Hazel yet, walking will be a welcome way to encourage her to join us. If I HAVE had Hazel though, another lesson I learned from Kenzie's birth is that I should NOT walk that much right after having Hazel.

Either way I will be very actively participating to coordinate and introduce the people who will be taking my place as a group leader on the day of the walk if needed.

You can see the link over at the top of the links on the right side of this page just under my picture to see the MS Walk pages that I've put together so that you can join or contribute as you so desire!

Thanks for taking the time to read this...I'm flattered every time I get a comment that lets me know someone actually took the time to read something I wrote!