Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Lesson 0527

All's pretty well, I feel like I'm out of the mud most of the way and am in the process of wiping it off of me before the final rinse.

I get angry at people sometimes because I don't take care of myself I realized. It is an interesting thing to realize. A crystal clear example would be related to the days/weeks after Hazel was born. Other people were going through trials at the same time, which I interpreted as less attention/concern for me. Reality is that it was completely irrelevant, other people have their own trials! The real guilty party was myself. If I needed more support and to relax more (which I did) I should have asked for it instead of wasting time musing over promises I interpreted as broken.

I still haven't learned though. In fact, I think that since it took time to realize that, I've gotten worse. I'm not standing up for myself regarding the parties I'm throwing. Nobody is doing a thing to me, yet I'm suffering. Events are going too late at night, I want to be with my girls and likewise they want to be with me. I say it is getting worse because it is not just me suffering, it is them too. Tonight was a perfect example of a catastrophe caused by my decision to keep my parties late so as to fit someone else's schedule (which was my choice). I did follow through with one lesson, which was to ask for help when it is needed, that was a success and I did get support where I asked for it, and Kenzie had a place to go while I had a party. However, the party went late, as they tend to do, and so by the time I went to get Kenzie she was EXTREMELY tired. Remember this girl got up around 6am this morning (again, because I didn't stand up for her right to sleep), and she was still up late because I had made plans which interupted sleep whereas I could have requested a sleep over, or not had a party so late. So back to what happened, she's tired, and when you have a tired 3 year old...rationale is completely irrelevent. I was carrying baby Hazel, and trying to explain to Kenzie, why she had to climb onto my back so we could walk home. I gave her the option of walking too, she didn't care what I was saying, she was holding a beautiful big pink balloon that didn't belong to her and was screaming loudly that she wanted and intended to keep it. I explained that we can't take things that belong to our friends. I explained that if we do take things from our friends we won't be welcome at their house anymore. I gave her the serious mom look that brings her to tears and said "Let go NOW.". Finally I physically pulled the balloon out of her hands (not difficult, it was just a short string), might have burned a little bit. Then I insisted (begged/demanded) that it was time to go NOW and that Hazel needed to sleep (bad move, tried using the guilt trip method...didn't work). I told her that I would carry her on my back. She said she wanted me to carry her on my front (I had Hazel in a carrier). I explained that someday we could put Hazel on my back when she is bigger and then I can carry K in front/H in back but tonight was not the time. She went back to screaming. Turned out that the screaming was over a little postcard for some kind of car show that the kids stumbled across...a good 20 minute bad tantrum...all about a postcard. Because I let the party go late. I scheduled the party late. I know parties go late. I decided to have the party anyway. I suffered. She sufferred. Hazel, who eventually had tears of sympathy sufferred too.

I need to respect all of us more. I need to make sure our sleep needs are met. I need to be clear about my needs and requests, ensuring that they all meet all of the required needs. I need to stop causing disasters.

Long story short...parties happen when there is something for the kids to do and doesn't interrupt sleep.

I read my horoscope, tomorrow is supposed to be a really lucky day...I didn't make any sales tonight, but I think I will go ahead and make a ton of calls when Hazel is asleep and Kenzie is at school. I'm going to make sure I eat too though, so I don't get impatient with the girls when they want me off the phone. I'm also not going to drink too much caffeine for the same reason. I will also make sure I DO get my morning black tea, and zrii, AND some kind of food as opposed to todays half a breakfast sandwich, latte, smoothie, M&M's, half a string cheese, and half a yogurt along with an english muffin with peanut butter.

I'm going to write some things I accomplished as well, I mailed 3 things that were waiting, one was rushed because it is for health insurance and needs to be done pronto so as to avoid hassle. I got that done and handled Hazel smoothly. I spoke to another parent about setting up playdates which is something I've been meaning to do. I cleared out the bathroom and made it look very clean and organized which still surprises even me. Same thing (almost) with the living room. Only funny part of all that is that I have not been able to find anything since, lol, cleaning frenzies don't suit me & I'm okay with that. I'm very lucky that most nights that I have parties Geoff is home to be with the girls, and now that I have a pump he can even feed them both as well. What a relief, it's an accomplishment for me to admit a pump is a good thing and will help us all because I've resisted it.

Tomorrow's going to be a good day. I'm not angry with myself, though I can see how this post would look like it, I'm merely publically admitting I see fault in my behavior and stating my intention to improve it. It will happen, I'm on a journey of improving myself that has just started and I have a lot to get done, I'm not going to rush it though, nor will I waste any time.

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