There is so much going on in life right now, it's pretty crazy. I feel like I'm working about 3 jobs, but also looking for more work so I can get paid!
Things that might be happening soon, involve pulling Kenzie out of daycare, this is a big one. Currently she is attending a full time childcare/preschool that she does like, she has friends, though like many kids insists she doesn't want to go when it comes time to leave in the morning. Reason behind this possibility is that our money is just about run out...and future sources are either slow to come or questionable. For instance right now we are both on unemployment which is getting more and more complicated to stay on top of (it is a job in itself)...also I'm getting started still with Arbonne which I totally see promise in though it is kind of slow building and takes some time to get to be really profitable. We're both looking for other odd jobs, I'll be getting familiar with WordPress soon and doing sites again pretty soon for instance. COBRA has also been getting increasingly complicated, I've been on the phone with Paychex just about daily to make sure all family members are included, Hazel's added, service gets started, subsidy gets applied, raises are truly raises in fees etc. Makes me dizzy just thinking about it.
Ironically, I feel like if I could stop worrying about the unemployment and the COBRA I could make Arbonne work, instead of phone calls, research, internet time I could be out with the girls, meeting moms, and pushing the quality and opportunity onto the lovely women I'd be meeting at all the parks and kids activities we'd be going to every day.
Oh, and Hazel is 2 weeks old now...she's wonderful.
Most of the 'difficulty' I've been experiencing motherhood-wise is a massive dose of guilt, (makes my eyes water up just writing the word), all my other feelings are financially based and stem from fear and frustrations with the current financial situation.
I feel guilty and bad that Kenzie has been in daycare this long...that I had to put her in when she was one because I decided to go work in an office and work my way out of needing any kind of public assistance. Now it's been 2 years later, and what am I doing? Collecting unemployment and tomorrow I have an appointment with DSHS to see what other kinds of 'assistance' we qualify for. Of course I learned things at work, Kenzie and I have both had a lot of experiences over the last two years. But I can't help but feel like I'm pretty close to where I was when I first brought my little 1 year old to her first daycare so I could make things better.
At least we aren't alone now.
I see that she is growing up and so close to going to school and I feel like I missed so much time with her it just breaks my heart. I feel sorry for her because though I love all of who she is, her father is a dead-beat who is not a part of her life, which is good because I do not think he would be a good influence but she is still left with a dad who she knows exists though does not participate in her life. Then she gets a wonderful step-dad, which is great, except that now he has his own daughter and I am scared she will be hurt when she sees this wonderful pure fatherly worshipping the princess kind of love and realizes that she never got any of that as a little girl. Yes she had the same man in her life for the last 2 years almost, and he's wonderful but she is still adjusting to 'sharing' mommy with him and it isn't the same kind of relationship because she knows that her 'birth dad' as we're calling him these days is not in the picture whereas her new sister has all that she never had. Now she's going to be sharing the new 'home daddy' in her life with someone who is actually created by him.
Even before the financial mayhem that has broken lose I've been considering pulling her out of daycare. I want to spend more time with her, to make her a higher priority in my life and give her some memories and beautiful pictures of this time before her school years started.
She's my baby too.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tax Day Surprise...Hazel's here!!!
Hazel was born on Wednesday night at 8lb 14oz & 22 inches long at 10:12pm...labor started at 1am...!!
It all started at about 1am...I'd gone to bed about 2-3 hours before and woke up feeling contractions that hurt, and were coming about every seven minutes...I waited about 20 minutes before waking up Geoff to tell him that I was pretty sure labor was starting. He scooted over and told me to lay down with him and we counted a few more contractions..they stayed about 6-7 minutes apart except whenever I got up to go to the bathroom, (which was after almost every contraction), I had to go to the bathroom, which always caused another contraction that came 'between' contractions if that makes any sense.
Around 2:52am we paged Midwife (Mel) to let her know what was going on...she was already at another delivery and said to call again when I couldn't talk through the contractions, we also paged the tub people who promptly came and set up a birthing tub in our living room which was a VERY cool thing to watch...it's like watching someone make a soft ball out of legos in that the pieces that came together to create something that looks like a hot tub looked NOTHING like a hot tub.
The details are a bit fuzzier after that, I walked around a lot through the house with contractions...our doula came over and eventually I was able to rest a bit from about 9-11:30 or so when Geoff and Kenzie went for a bike ride, for about 2 hours listening to one of Geoff's meditation CD's. Once I wasn't able to rest through them anymore we thought about taking a walk outside, but the pain was bad enough, and my reactions to it strong enough I changed my mind once I got dressed because I was convinced I'd scare people outside. Pretty soon after that I actually got into the tub, and we called Mel with an update and she let us know that Cindie was on her way.
Even more fuzzy now...(at some point I'll get the 'real' times from our wonderful doula Jenna) Mel was still at another birth and so Cindie came over to help with the birth I believe around 6pm. I was just starting what they call 'transition' at that point which is VERY painful, it lasted at least a couple hours...at one point Cindie checked and we knew that pushing time was about to start and we THOUGHT it would be fast considering Hazel is my second baby, we didn't know what we were in for though.
Pushing started at that point and it lasted a long long time, my mom showed up around 8:30-9pm and , after we were about 3-4 hours into it I got out of the tub, and got some 'positioning' assistance, and pushed Hazel out, it turned out that she had been what they call 'sunny-side-up' which is also called 'back labor' when they talk about the Mom's side of it. It means that the back of her head was against my tailbone, which makes it MUCH more difficult to get her head through the pelvic area. She definitely came out with a cone on her head, but she was pretty much rounded out by the time we woke up the next day. The quiet room soon was full of gasps, smiles and lots of stories. I just kind of laid there with Geoff and Hazel for a while...couldn't really do much more. Kenzie woke up pretty soon after this and got to meet her new little sister.
She latched on that night pretty quickly the first night and both of us are getting more and more alert each day, (we're on our second one now), I even left the house for a little while today to run a few errands with my mom while Hazel stayed with her daddy.
It's been amazing to watch how Geoff loves his role as father, saying the sweetest things to her, running off to go buy a cloth 'Moby Wrap' the day after she was born so he could wear her through the day, and also watching and listening to Kenzie learning about babies and being a big sister, so far her biggest complaint is that we won't let her carry Hazel around the house yet, or that Hazel isn't walking yet. I love my family, starting with Geoff and Kenzie and watching Hazel join the family and the beautiful changes I see in the both of them while watching Hazel get more aware is just amazing...I feel really really happy, lucky, and oh so grateful to have these three wonderful people in my life.
It all started at about 1am...I'd gone to bed about 2-3 hours before and woke up feeling contractions that hurt, and were coming about every seven minutes...I waited about 20 minutes before waking up Geoff to tell him that I was pretty sure labor was starting. He scooted over and told me to lay down with him and we counted a few more contractions..they stayed about 6-7 minutes apart except whenever I got up to go to the bathroom, (which was after almost every contraction), I had to go to the bathroom, which always caused another contraction that came 'between' contractions if that makes any sense.
Around 2:52am we paged Midwife (Mel) to let her know what was going on...she was already at another delivery and said to call again when I couldn't talk through the contractions, we also paged the tub people who promptly came and set up a birthing tub in our living room which was a VERY cool thing to watch...it's like watching someone make a soft ball out of legos in that the pieces that came together to create something that looks like a hot tub looked NOTHING like a hot tub.
The details are a bit fuzzier after that, I walked around a lot through the house with contractions...our doula came over and eventually I was able to rest a bit from about 9-11:30 or so when Geoff and Kenzie went for a bike ride, for about 2 hours listening to one of Geoff's meditation CD's. Once I wasn't able to rest through them anymore we thought about taking a walk outside, but the pain was bad enough, and my reactions to it strong enough I changed my mind once I got dressed because I was convinced I'd scare people outside. Pretty soon after that I actually got into the tub, and we called Mel with an update and she let us know that Cindie was on her way.
Even more fuzzy now...(at some point I'll get the 'real' times from our wonderful doula Jenna) Mel was still at another birth and so Cindie came over to help with the birth I believe around 6pm. I was just starting what they call 'transition' at that point which is VERY painful, it lasted at least a couple hours...at one point Cindie checked and we knew that pushing time was about to start and we THOUGHT it would be fast considering Hazel is my second baby, we didn't know what we were in for though.
Pushing started at that point and it lasted a long long time, my mom showed up around 8:30-9pm and , after we were about 3-4 hours into it I got out of the tub, and got some 'positioning' assistance, and pushed Hazel out, it turned out that she had been what they call 'sunny-side-up' which is also called 'back labor' when they talk about the Mom's side of it. It means that the back of her head was against my tailbone, which makes it MUCH more difficult to get her head through the pelvic area. She definitely came out with a cone on her head, but she was pretty much rounded out by the time we woke up the next day. The quiet room soon was full of gasps, smiles and lots of stories. I just kind of laid there with Geoff and Hazel for a while...couldn't really do much more. Kenzie woke up pretty soon after this and got to meet her new little sister.
She latched on that night pretty quickly the first night and both of us are getting more and more alert each day, (we're on our second one now), I even left the house for a little while today to run a few errands with my mom while Hazel stayed with her daddy.
It's been amazing to watch how Geoff loves his role as father, saying the sweetest things to her, running off to go buy a cloth 'Moby Wrap' the day after she was born so he could wear her through the day, and also watching and listening to Kenzie learning about babies and being a big sister, so far her biggest complaint is that we won't let her carry Hazel around the house yet, or that Hazel isn't walking yet. I love my family, starting with Geoff and Kenzie and watching Hazel join the family and the beautiful changes I see in the both of them while watching Hazel get more aware is just amazing...I feel really really happy, lucky, and oh so grateful to have these three wonderful people in my life.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Is there really a subsidy?
I've had a hard time deciding if/what to write about this whole process of getting on COBRA, as it has definitely been a kind of mystery that requires both patience and diligence.
I've established that I do qualify, and also that having been laid off on February 27th, with a 'last day' offically set at March 1, I should be able to use the subsidy from day one, since it started in early February. It took about 5 phone calls to Paychex but I do have the whole family listed under the COBRA plan, however the price is still 100% which is a bit out of my range at this point...fortunately I have direct communication with the financial team where I used to work, and they are helping me try and pin down what needs to be done, so no big complaints on that end but I'm wondering if it will really happen?
I also wonder, if I'm having such a hard time getting information, how on earth other people are handling it? Is anyone actually benefiting from this COBRA subsidy? Or are we all signing up for COBRA thinking we'll get it and then having to give it up due to not being able to apply for the subsidy?
At this point I am 9 days past my due date, and so will have a baby any day now, I really hope I can get this straightened out first before my head is in the newborn la-la land....
I've established that I do qualify, and also that having been laid off on February 27th, with a 'last day' offically set at March 1, I should be able to use the subsidy from day one, since it started in early February. It took about 5 phone calls to Paychex but I do have the whole family listed under the COBRA plan, however the price is still 100% which is a bit out of my range at this point...fortunately I have direct communication with the financial team where I used to work, and they are helping me try and pin down what needs to be done, so no big complaints on that end but I'm wondering if it will really happen?
I also wonder, if I'm having such a hard time getting information, how on earth other people are handling it? Is anyone actually benefiting from this COBRA subsidy? Or are we all signing up for COBRA thinking we'll get it and then having to give it up due to not being able to apply for the subsidy?
At this point I am 9 days past my due date, and so will have a baby any day now, I really hope I can get this straightened out first before my head is in the newborn la-la land....
Friday, April 10, 2009
One week past due...
Today is a tired tired day...
Yesterday was fine, was kind of hyper by the end of it but today I'm tired...I'm a week past our 'by date' due date of 4/4 and 10 days late if you go by the ultrasound due date of 4/1.
Aside from being utterly fatigued...I feel pretty good. There was one contraction around 1am this morning that had me thinking it might happen, but I think I must have been experiencing some gas or something too, who knows. It woke me up and my stomach stayed hard for a looong time, was able to sleep after that though.
I'm hoping that I'll go into labor pretty soon...or at least get some more energy. Tomorrow we're scheduled to get a 'non-stress-test' that will make sure Hazel and I are both doing ok, and then on Monday, assuming she isn't here yet I'll be getting an ultrasound to make sure my placenta is still capable of giving her what she needs.
Right about now is when I really wanted to have Hazel, I made it to my big meeting yesterday and so am feeling pretty home-free about it all, aside from my tiredness that I mentioned of course...I really do feel exhausted, and I've had my normal black tea plus a half-caf mocha neither off which did a thing unless they are actually making me more tired.
I think Geoff is anxious a bit, he's running around in circles trying to get things done, but I think it's really nervous energy kind of like what I had yesterday...like 'okay, let's go!' kind of a thing...I'll probably drink my raspberry tea and herbal concoction and if I'm still tired go take a nap, there's an egg hunt at Kenzie's daycare at 3:30 though so I'll be going to that as well.
Yesterday was fine, was kind of hyper by the end of it but today I'm tired...I'm a week past our 'by date' due date of 4/4 and 10 days late if you go by the ultrasound due date of 4/1.
Aside from being utterly fatigued...I feel pretty good. There was one contraction around 1am this morning that had me thinking it might happen, but I think I must have been experiencing some gas or something too, who knows. It woke me up and my stomach stayed hard for a looong time, was able to sleep after that though.
I'm hoping that I'll go into labor pretty soon...or at least get some more energy. Tomorrow we're scheduled to get a 'non-stress-test' that will make sure Hazel and I are both doing ok, and then on Monday, assuming she isn't here yet I'll be getting an ultrasound to make sure my placenta is still capable of giving her what she needs.
Right about now is when I really wanted to have Hazel, I made it to my big meeting yesterday and so am feeling pretty home-free about it all, aside from my tiredness that I mentioned of course...I really do feel exhausted, and I've had my normal black tea plus a half-caf mocha neither off which did a thing unless they are actually making me more tired.
I think Geoff is anxious a bit, he's running around in circles trying to get things done, but I think it's really nervous energy kind of like what I had yesterday...like 'okay, let's go!' kind of a thing...I'll probably drink my raspberry tea and herbal concoction and if I'm still tired go take a nap, there's an egg hunt at Kenzie's daycare at 3:30 though so I'll be going to that as well.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Monday (2 days past due)
Today is Monday, and we're officially 2 days past the EDD, I'm 40+ weeks pregnant.
I'm feeling pretty good, but have to admit that after the MS Walk yesterday I am definitely having a harder time moving in general...I 'can', in that I'm still taking Kenzie to daycare, running around doing errands as needed, appointments etc. but it does hurt more. Kenzie is feeling some after effects from the walk as well, this morning she had her first 'blister' experience, not a big bubbly one, but a kind of red sensitive type. It was cute to watch Geoff helping her and teach her how a bandaid could help a lot even though it's not a 'bloody' owie, which is the requirement we usually go by for bandaid use to keep from using them as accessories.
I'm optimistically hoping that Hazel comes into this world sometime between Thursday evening and Sunday...just because we have a lot of pretty important things that will be done by then. There's a crab feed on Saturday I'm looking forward to but I figure Geoff could grab a crab or two for me to eat at home...
On my way to go learn about franchising pretty soon...its an unemployment option the government seems to think I'd be good at, so we shall see! I'm always open to learning about new opportunities. I love doing the Arbonne, you know me though I need to always have at least a couple of things going on to keep myself entertained...
I'm feeling pretty good, but have to admit that after the MS Walk yesterday I am definitely having a harder time moving in general...I 'can', in that I'm still taking Kenzie to daycare, running around doing errands as needed, appointments etc. but it does hurt more. Kenzie is feeling some after effects from the walk as well, this morning she had her first 'blister' experience, not a big bubbly one, but a kind of red sensitive type. It was cute to watch Geoff helping her and teach her how a bandaid could help a lot even though it's not a 'bloody' owie, which is the requirement we usually go by for bandaid use to keep from using them as accessories.
I'm optimistically hoping that Hazel comes into this world sometime between Thursday evening and Sunday...just because we have a lot of pretty important things that will be done by then. There's a crab feed on Saturday I'm looking forward to but I figure Geoff could grab a crab or two for me to eat at home...
On my way to go learn about franchising pretty soon...its an unemployment option the government seems to think I'd be good at, so we shall see! I'm always open to learning about new opportunities. I love doing the Arbonne, you know me though I need to always have at least a couple of things going on to keep myself entertained...
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